i heard it.

i woke up the day i choose to turn and face all the things i thought were holding me back.

in facing these fears i woke up. i let go, i stood up, climbed my ladder and held myself accountable. when i heard myself saying the same old things i would stop and replay that tape and consciously listen.

i heard my repetitive points and thought of solutions. and i took a step into what seemed like the hard and vulnerable. i revealed authenticity to the people i feared/loved the most. attempted the scariest things. pushed through my own sticky loop thoughts.

and my fear thinned. i saw through it.

of course i still have an ego and am part shadow and light. but the difference is i'm not afraid of myself. 

and most of the time i feel pretty damn good, even on my not so good days. even through frustration i can still see opportunity.

eating well is a key. a major key. i have so much more room in my head with out all that inflammation. i feel so clear, really it is amazing.

what i pray is that everyone around me is choosing to pick up the call too.

My mind has been extraordinarily clear. Due, in part, to my latest 3 month (I'm about a month in) experiment - the paleolithic diet. Well, first I was inspired by this amazing dinner I ate. Not only was it super delicious but it was all local, dairy and grain free.

Truthfully eating dairy has never been a feel good thing for me. It harkens back to earaches as a kid. Those earaches turned out to be my one and only surgery - tubes in my ear. Later as an adult on my journey of being a health care practitioner, I learned about milk allergies causing inflammation. This inflammation showed up in kids as earaches! Holy cow, no literally wholly cow allergy (and really not only cow - any dairy, even goat).
What happens in the body is the inflammation of mast cells. These mast cells can be found lining the ear, nose and throat (ENT). If the ENT is inflamed a series of bodily upsets can be found. Things like asthma, chronic ear infections, nasal drip, higher sensitivity to well - pretty much anything.

As for grain... If you look closely you can find grain in everything. Unless you cook your own whole foods. Prepackaged/precooked/prepared foods are the worst culprits! And if you like to go out to eat, try and look for a meal that isn't accompanied by some form of grain. It's on every menu - a taco, sushi, nan and curry, injera, hell - a regular old burger.
Just the other day I went out with my dearest friend Kasey, a nutrition chef and recipe author (check out her blog), to the eat real festival in oakland and everything had grain. So, we ate around it - even the Mexican/Indian burrito, with chopsticks no less (hey, we were at a festival).
In fact she gave me the terminology paleolithic diet. She explained it as eating as our ancestors did. At first I was like - hold on! I'm super multi-racial, how am I gonna pin down which culture in my myriad of ancestors to eat after? Then she explained further - really it's about eating as a hunter and gatherer. Oh, hunt and gather...well, if you stop and think about it - if I was to hunt I probably would only be eating meat occasionally (and more often it would be fish). And hell, how many ears of corn or grains of rice can I realistically gather? not much, right?

As for allergies and leaky gut syndrome or whatever else people are getting diagnosed with could it be a bombardment of to much of the same grain in our bodies? Could it be corn cups, corn oil (+biofuel), corn syrup, popcorn, corn tortillas, corn in everything be too much? Not to mention soy, wheat and rice too. We drink, eat, drive, utilize the hell out these grains. We've all heard the saying, "too much of anything is a bad thing."

Hence, my paleolithic diet experiment. And as I was saying it feels great. My overall inflammation has reduced by leaps and bounds. Not only in my ENT but in my gut too! Plus i can feel my body more. Who knew inflammation would deaden body sensation? Oh yeah, damn near every health practitioner. There are books out there ranting and raving about how inflammation is a major cause of disease across the board. Why not look to the cause of this inflammation and transform our diets.

Eating simply, never felt so good.

When my Grandmother was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago, it hit the family hard.

She pushed through chemo in the hopes to see a cure to a progressive rapid growing cancer, before she died July 15, 2011 at 6:20pm.  When the Dr.'s quoted us 6 month's [for her to live] back in December of 2008 our hearts broke. However we joined together to celebrate her, when she survived past the 6 month mark into another year, as a hopeful cancer survivor.

Being able to treasure more time with her has been a godsend. My dearest Grandmother has taught me so many amazing things about how to live and be in this world. In the final moments of her life we had some of  the most potent and frank dialogs. She let me in, in a way that showed me her vulnerability, her strength and the fragile majesty of death. How sacred this life is and how temporary our time is on this planet.

Being with her every month and then every day, it was in those moments that something awoke in me. Something that had been in deep slumber. She said, "Tatiana, you are stronger then you think you are!" Mostly she lipped it, because her voice was gone, but I could certainly hear her. Those words strung together, as a necklace of pearls, pearls of wisdom. Now when I look in the mirror, to look for the part of me that is her, I find my self lip syncing those exact words to myself and now to you dear reader.

She gave me an incredible gift, because of her pearls of wisdom I am able to push through the grief and hold up high her standard of being inclusive to a family being tested, by their loss of a great Matriarch. I listen more keenly. I am fierce with my love, but unconditional - every member in my family knows I LOVE them, each and everyone of them.

Too keep this a useful Florentina Craft (Craft being my Matriarical family name, from my Grandmother who just passed) I will share with you a few herbs that helped with the grief and loss of my Grandmother.

During Hospice, I lived with my Grandmother, it was a 24/7 ordeal. In order to sleep I made a sleep formula, for her caregivers and myself.

• Vervain [Verbena officinalis], a strong bitter nervine that quiets an anxious over active mind.
  
• Chamomile [Matricaria recutita], a gentle bitter nervine that gently smooths a worried mind and upset stomach.
  
• Milky Oats [Avena sativa], a nutritive nervine that helps rebuild the myelin sheath of an over stressed nervous system.
  

30 to 60 drops taken while in bed, the point just before head hits the pillow.

My dear friends the Community Cup, a group of herbalist got together with me a day after her passing. We hiked up into the Bay Area wilderness, sat and honored my Grandmothers passing. Marina Storm put together a grief herbal smoke blend, to honor the release of my Grandmother:

• Rabbit Tobacco [Gnaphalium species], to release shaken energy.
• Juniper [Juniperus species] for protection.
  
• Sage Brush [Artemesia tridentata], to release electric energy.
  
• Traditional Tobacco, that had been prayed over by a Native Elders [Nicotiana species], to connect with the ancestors
• White Sage [Salvia Apiana] to cleanse the energy.
  

We rolled up these herbs, smoked them and talked about my Grandmother (Please contact Marina Storm to find more information about the above smoke blend).

Marina and Robin of the Village Farm offered a bushel of Rabbit Tobacco for me to take home. So, I have been sleeping with and smoking this herb often. This lovely plant has been a great companion during my release, through my grieving process. I couldn't have asked for a better plant ally

A death of a loved one is a deep experience, so many layers are still being uncovered. Thank you for sharing in this experience with me.

May day is well known for a spring celebration, called Beltane. where traditionally druids celebrate the season of life. and today many people dance around a pole colorful ribbons in hand embodying the spirit of pan, horns and all. choosing a May queen, and hanging May baskets on doorknobs. many fruitful women get pregnant on this warm spring day, humping somewhere in a meadow, birds and bees buzzing.

it was traditional to light a fire to honor the sun and the longer days the spring season is famous for. an honored bow to the flora and fauna of nature celebrating the fertility and abundance of spring.

during the up rise of peoples rights in the mid 1800's; may day evolved to include celebrating workers rights. humanitarians all over the world fought to have a celebrated day off.

today i celebrate all those i've loved and who have gone, gone to become spirit. i think of my favorite thought of them, my eyes well up with emotion as i think of all the love shared.

venus retrograde 'till november 18th.
venus rules the work of the heart, relationships & finances {currency/exchange of energy. also, venus is in scorpio and moves into libra november 8th. scorpio = life force in relationship, explore depth with people in life, an inward time. libra = balancing relationships, utilize diplomacy with a focus on harmony.

reminder: take new things slow, deeply look at what is showing up again, express your creative self.